For The Bohol Tribune
In This Our Journey
NESTOR MANIEBO PESTELOS
As I confessed in a previous column or
probably a blog, I grew up in a family of women. Due to my father’s early death
at 23 years old, I spent my childhood and a great part of my adult years in the
company of my Grandmother, whom I called Inay Tanda; Mother, my Inay Bata; and my younger Sister
Lilia. Hence, what I know about women, I came to know initially from this
unique family situation and from being involved with a few women as lover,
loved one or occasionally both, in the course of a lifetime, which has now
spanned over seven decades.
This being women’s month, March, which is
about to end in a few days, I would like to say something about women, their
role in my life and others, and contribute hopefully to the global advocacy for
gender advocacy. We need to join this campaign to help prevent inflicting
physical or emotional pain on women which we do out of habit or mindless
pursuit of machismo in traditional family life and culture in the greater
community.
As I was trying to organize my thoughts on
this topic at this ungodly time of 4.16 a.m., trying to beat my Thursday
deadline, I came to view at the same time an interesting TED talk by the
psychologist Guy Winch on the importance of emotional hygiene in our lives. It
was emailed to us by a former classmate and close friend, Nishi Mukerji. I now
see the relationship between what this Guy Winch was saying on Youtube and my
initial thoughts about women before dawn breaks on this Thursday morning.
Let’s start by summarizing what Mr. Winch says
in this TED talk. He says that we put more importance to physical hygiene than
emotional hygiene, that while we have first aid for bodily pain, we do not have
first aid for emotional pain. We are often left on our own to cope with loneliness,
rejection, failure, and low self-esteem,
the common emotional injuries we suffer from day to day – sometimes with
disastrous results!
Take loneliness, for instance. Mr. Winch says
studies show that if left unchecked, loneliness can increase the likelihood of
early death by 14 %,. It can lead to high blood pressure, high cholesterol
level, and defective immune system. It is as harmful as smoking, but unlike the
latter, there was no warning that says it can cause untimely death.
Loneliness is a feeling of emotional and
psychological disconnect from the rest of the world. But for this emotional
pain, there is no clear prescription available at home or at the work place. Not
like if you have toothache or other cases of bodily pain. When you are lonely,
you may not know how to deal with it because it does not rate high as an
ailment that family members suffer from, not like when you have aching joints
or a sore finger.
Those who want to know more about emotional
hygiene can view -http://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_the_case_for_emotional_hygiene
As I viewed the video, I realized that like
countless others, I have survived all these emotional anguish, what he calls as
“emotional bleeding,” not actually on a self-help basis, but with the
assistance of family and friends, most of them women. It is as though women are
more inclined to provide this kind of emotional healing and better mindful of
emotional hygiene than most of my male friends who have been close to me
through the years. On these final days of Women’s Month, I would like to pay
tribute to some of the women who have made my life more bearable on account of
their seemingly instinctive knowledge about emotional healing or emotional
hygiene.
My maternal Grandmother, probably like most
Grandmothers, had an instinct to detect this inner loneliness and would do
everything to help me overcome it. Growing up as the only boy in a family of
women gave ample opportunities to be lonely – and with Lola at your side, so
many chances to get out it and be happy.
Inay Tanda took the task of taking care of me
and my sister while Mother slaved herself in the dessicated factory as a
worker, slicing off the brown skin of the coconut after the male workers had
taken the shell parts off. Sometimes my Grandmother would take me to the
factory to watch the shellers and the parers work in long rows oblivious to the
factory noise and the people milling about to watch them in this daily ritual.
The laborers would take turns in daytime and night shifts.
At home, I would lay awake thinking of how
Mother would have her feet wet with coconut water as she removed it by
puncturing the shelled coconut fruit. I worried that she might get sick for
lack of sleep and having her feet always soaking wet with coconut water. Inay
Tanda would always remind us this is a sacrifice Mother had to make to save
money so we could go to school someday. It
was my first exposure to the benefit, as well as the impersonal nature of the
capitalist system.
I remember my Grandmother would take me to
the nearby river to watch her wash our clothes or to the copra drying kiln
owned by the caretaker of the coconut plantation in our barrio. She would
occasionally be employed there to remove coconut meat from the shell and get them
dried in the kiln. In other times, she would take care of the supervisor’s children
but without salary.
Somehow Inay Tanda probably sensed my frequent
bouts of loneliness while being mostly alone at home. She probably saw me staring blankly at nothing
on the sawali walls in those days when I was five years old waiting to be old
enough to get enrolled in the local elementary school. Inay Tanda gifted me from our meager family resources
three goats that I had to take care of and this helped me survive those lonely
days by the window thinking of nothing in particular while anticipating what I
imagined to be exciting days at school.
Raising goats was the most exciting activity
that I got involved in during those days. I had to learn where to bring them
for grazing and this gave me an excuse to get outside the confines of our nipa
hut and limited front yard. I was able to explore the big coconut plantations
in the barangay and met personally some tenants who worked on the land and took
care of the coconut trees. They were the ones who showed me where the ipil-ipil
trees grew where I could get leaves that goats are particularly fond of eating
although they seemed to be eating anything green on sight. Best of all, I was made to see
the rest of the river that runs through our village and was able to explore the
creeks that snaked their ways to it during rainy days.
From the simple activity of putting the three
goats to pasture, I learned a lot about the neighborhood, the river and creeks
a few kilometers from our place, the rest of the neighbors who tilled the land
and make copra and prepare a feast each time landowners and their families from
Manila would come to bring relatives and friends to show off their vast
landholdings tilled by our neighbors for what I imagined later as so many
centuries after the passion and death of Jesus Christ.
I have no way of knowing if my Inay Tanda,
who reached Grade IV by her account, knew at that time that giving me three
goats to take care of when I was five years old was the best way to cure me of
loneliness that afflicted me during those childhood years spent surrounded by
vast coconut plantations which defined the local economy and our lives.
Psychologist Guy Winch talked about the
inability to rise up from failure as caused not necessarily by lack of
competence, but by a defeatist attitude that became predominant after the
initial bad experience of failing in an activity. It is more of a mental
predisposition reinforced by a negative view of oneself that persists from day
to day until such time that a positive reorientation of one’s belief system has
become possible with some encouragement from family members and friends.
He acknowledges that changing such mind set as
being predisposed to believe about one’s inability to succeed is a major stumbling
block to improve performance. In the family, my Mother who had the strongest
character among the three of them, always carried the banner of persistence and
hard work. I lived through some darkest moments from adolescence to adulthood,
and it was always my Mother who would come with timely interventions, in terms
of either calculated, intriguing silence or well-articulated and sensitive
advice to get me back on track again.
Among those reversals that only my Mother
could have the nerve of steel to put me in shape again to do battle with the
demons of defeat are as follows: the inability to get a bachelor’s degree after
“overstaying” in college on account of
my involvement with the protest movement of the Sixties; the obvious tendency
to forget priority goals in the heat of a passionate commitment to a cause
which seemed to be vaguer in direction by the minute; the stubbornness to fall
in love with the thrills and excitement of the hunt rather than specifying the
desired outcome of all the sacrifices being made in the struggle to be free. It
was my Mother who communicated quite clearly with her stoic silence and clear
statement of purpose at each critical juncture of my punctuated journey towards
maturity at a rather late stage of the futile struggle to emancipate the
oppressed.
For her part, my Sister who was a teacher, became
reason personified who would bring in logic to temper my enthusiasm and passion
when the costs were getting bigger on the part of the family. She could not
study in college right after graduating from high school because she had to
wait for my graduation from college which never materialized. Her rational
approach to life was a foil to my romantic predilection and on hindsight, I
believe this contributed immensely to helping the family be on course for its goals
when leadership was not forthcoming from my side due to my getting distracted that
I often got off-track somewhere along the way.
In a previous blog years ago, I already
commented and paid tribute to all the women who became part of my life at
specific stages of my journey. I will not repeat this tribute due to my fear
that it will bore the readers. Enough for me to say that I owe each of these
noble women profound gratitude in helping me at each step of this journey I
have chosen to take. More importantly, they have helped me survive the
hypocrisies and betrayals of those who chose to stand on the opposite side of
those who remain persecuted by bad governance and an unjust system reinforced by
the arrogance and indifference of those who consider themselves as the political
and economic elites in our midst.
Women of the world, on this your month of
tribute and blessings, much thanks for your love and devotion to the cause of
helping create a better world during this our life and times - despite obvious
obstacles and constraints.#genderNMP
NMP/26
March 2015/11.59 p.m.