For The Bohol Tribune
In This Our Journey
NESTOR MANIEBO PESTELOS
This column, which you will read on Easter Sunday, will end
our summary of reflections from the book “The Good Life,” by Australian author,
Hugh Mackay, who was elected a fellow of the Australian Psychological Society
and awarded honorary doctorates by several universities for his pioneering work
in social research.
Chapter 6, Living the Good Life, starts with his observation
that “the desire to be taken seriously is the most ubiquitous, the most pervasive
of all our social desires.” It is
connected to the desire to belong to human herds and tribes, the desire to
belong to a place and the desire for love.
“Each person wants to be acknowledged, respected,
appreciated, understood, valued and accepted,” he asserts. “Though we know we
are all part of the same human story, we each want our unique role in it to be
recognized. We each want our voice to be heard.”
The frustration in this desire to be taken seriously is the
most difficult to handle because it is the desire “that goes to the heart of
where we are.” Such frustration can “boil over into anger, violence or even war:
observe the behavior of entire nations who feel their rights or needs are being
ignored or, at the extreme, that their territory is being violated. Ethnic or
religious minorities typically act badly when they feel marginalized or
undervalued.”
We feel irritated or insulted by something seemingly
insignificant as a waiter’s failure to notice us or if someone is late for an
appointment. “When people are being cranky, sullen, withdrawn or antisocial,
they are often expressing nothing more than the frustration of their desire to
be taken seriously. That applies to children, adolescents, young adults, people
in their middle years, the elderly – at every point in the life cycle, we are
powerfully driven by this desire.”
The author adds: “That’s why we react so badly to being
mocked, exploited or humiliated; when we are made to feel we are not worthy of
someone’s respect, it feels like a sign that we are not being taken seriously.”
People resent “being lumped in with a category, as though we
are mere stereotypes: baby boomers, single mothers, refugees, Jews, Muslims,
the wealthy or the unemployed. It’s why we hate other people making assumptions
about us – without first consulting us. It’s why we plead for space in a
relationship when we feel we are no longer being taken seriously enough.”
The author wonders that if this is true for all, “why is it
hard for us to acknowledge that it’s the same for everyone else? If the good
life is a life committed to treating others as we ourselves would like to be
treated, then it’s a life committed to taking others seriously … and showing
them that we do?”
He says there’s a paradox “at the heart of the good life: we
are at our best when we are striving to give others the very things we
ourselves most desire: respect, recognition, kindness and even happiness.” We
are at our worst “when we criticize others for the very frailties and
shortcomings we ourselves possess.”
The lesson he wants to impart is the same paradox as in the
pursuit of happiness: to pursue our own happiness is to risk misery,
frustration and disappointment, but to devote ourselves to the happiness and
wellbeing of others is likely to enhance our own sense of wellbeing and
fulfillment.
A life lived for others or the simple matter of thinking
about others when we speak or act is a key ingredient of the good life. Observes
the author:
“None of this requires superhuman strength, integrity or
saintliness: it calls only for a little humility, the antithesis of arrogance.
It is the sign that we have finally grasped an important aspect of goodness:
that we cannot parade it as we might parade our wealth or our sporting prowess;
goodness can be discerned only in its effects on others.
“In an era of wildly extravagant self-promotion and unhealthy
emphasis on self-esteem, humility has taken something of a back seat (though
that’s its natural position, of course).
“Humility doesn’t involve flagellating yourself, demeaning
yourself or losing your self-respect; it involves only shifting your primary
focus from your own wellbeing to the wellbeing of others. It also involves a
certain hesitancy in responding to praise, because humility acknowledges the
role of genetics, luck and circumstance in any of our accomplishments. Modesty
is the natural partner of humility.”
Mackay makes the point that we cannot be selective in efforts
to lead the good life:
“If a good life is
marked by kindness, tolerance, compassion, respect for others and a willingness
to respond to their needs, then that kind of commitment can’t be confined to
one compartment of our lives. To say that a person is kind and loving at home
or with their friends but a ruthless, exploitative operator at work is to say
that this person is not committed to the good life. Being kind to the people we
love is hardly a moral challenge. Our commitment to the good life is tested by
our response to circumstances in which it is hardest for us to live up to the
Golden Rule.”
In whatever job we do, “the good life demands that we behave at
work as we behave in our private life; that we draw no ethical distinction
between the two; that goodness becomes the touchstone, the hallmark, the
benchmark for everything we do.”
Practical tips on how to lead the good life abound in religious
and philosophical teachings, as well as folklore and cultural traditions. Some
of these include the following:
-Support those in
difficulty or distress.
-Don’t dissemble or
deceive.
-Don’t make promises
you can’t keep.
-Be kind to strangers.
-Suffer fools gladly.
-Turn the other cheek.
-Go the extra mile.
-Befriend the
friendless.
-Live in peace.
-Don’t let the sun go
down on your anger.
-Don’t meet hate with
hate or violence with violence.
-It’s more blessed to
give than to receive.
The author considers
all these as snippets of wisdom meant to promote mental and emotional health in
those whose lives we touch from day to day. The practical question is: how do
we provide support to others to help ensure sound mental and emotional health -
“So the question is,
what might we do in the ebb and flow of normal daily existence to increase the
quotient of goodness in our lives? Or, to put it another way, how might we best
satisfy other people’s need for therapeutic support? If the word ‘therapy’
strikes you as odd, consider this: we are all struggling with the frailty, flaws and
failings that go with being human, which is why we all need emotional support
and guidance to see us through the dark and difficult passages of our lives.
(What’s that, in not therapy?) Our sense of emotional security depends on
knowing such therapeutic support is available when we need it.”
Mackay notes that
sometimes when things are too rocky, too complex or too private to share with
friends … we seek the help of a psychotherapist or counsellor. “But most of us,
most of the time, get by with the support of a loving family … the concern of
friends or the strength of a caring community. In this sense, we are all,
sooner or later called upon to be each other’s therapist.”
Towards the end of the
book, he reiterates this message: “Goodness is not a grand or mysterious
concept. All we require are a few simple disciplines that, like compass settings,
steer us in the right direction. In every case, those disciplines will be based
on the idea of treating others as we ourselves would like to be treated,
putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes, trying to see the world from the
other person’s point of view.”
Then the author
proceeds to discuss what he calls the three great therapies of life: to listen attentively; to apologize sincerely;
and to forgive generously. Actually, he adds a fourth: Make ‘em laugh! For
comments, email: npestelos@gmail.com ###
NMP/24 March 2016/6.53 p.m.
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